always late..

I always blog a day late...haha but in any case, I wanted to share a few things I did yesterday.


So yesterday, during worship, I noticed that the worship leader was coughing through a couple of the songs and it just so happened that I had grabbed a bag of cough drops from home before I went to service. So I waited until our Pastor asked us to greet our neighbors and walked over to where she was sitting and handed her two cough drops and told her that I noticed she was coughing so I thought she might like a couple haha. At first she was like "huh?" and then after a few seconds she accepted them and was kind of like "oh, okay" haha. I don't remember if she said thank you but I guess that really shouldn't matter, right? :)


The second thing I did was for my dad. I guess this needs a little background story..last Sunday, my mom was in a hurry to a meeting and asked me to get lunch for my dad. At that time I had just gotten back from lunch and was feeling lazy so I kind of got annoyed at my mom because it would have been much easier had she asked me earlier. And I knew she sensed that I was annoyed because of my initial tone so I tried to fix it by changing my tone quickly and going to get the food but I knew my mom had caught my initial tone so I felt pretty bad because I know both my parents are really busy on Sundays so they usually have no time for lunch and it's rare that my dad would even have time to eat lunch =/.



Sooo, this Sunday, when my mom came home from whatever she was doing, I asked her if she wanted me to get my dad lunch and she seemed pretty happy that I asked =x. Just a simple deed like that could please my parents and I have been neglecting to do so every week! But yeah, I got my dad sam bo fan haha and delivered it to his office. I found out he only ate like two bites of it (it was in the fridge when I came home from football) because he had no time to eat it -_- haha but I guess it was the thought that counts..


-frostedflakesaremyfavorite

Day 30.

So the parents had to go to some other church in Brooklyn at around 5 and with my house being the closest, it's become the place to go after church. Except this time all the kids came over. Oh dear. It made me wonder if I was like that when I was little haha. But it was just like DUDE show some respect. Mm but I guess it's a good way to learn patience and love haha. My mom and brother went to Costco yesterday so we have snacks and chips in stock. I LOVE MY CHIPS! ESPECIALLY KETTLE COOKED CHIPS! I watched as the bag of chips were being eaten. As I was trying to reason my blargh feelings, I just told myself I was just being stingy and I need to be giving. There were so many kids in my brother's room that there wasn't a lot of space to sit. Normally I would've just avoided any blargh feelings and just dealing with everyone by napping, but God helped me out. There was a lot of "I want to do this" "Let's do this" "Can I borrow this?" and I patiently responded and helped. SCORE for having God with me! Here's to a good day :)

HAHA.

Day 29.

A while ago my friend expressed that he wanted to do DWB, but he realized he wouldn't be around when it was going to be held in OCM. I wanted him to do it so I pushed him to sign up for another day, but he didn't want to do it alone. I wouldn't either. So at first I just told him to get people in his small group to do it with him. After a day or two I realized I was just being lazy and selfish so I asked him to see if he had found anyone and offered to do it with him. It was fun seeing some folk from last week and I enjoyed the fellowship with the team members. I got to talk to one of the dispatchers last week who's in charge of Street Life Ministries and he gave me a bunch of stuff about SLM and encouraged me to look into it. I saw him today and he actually remembered me and took the time to follow up. As we were saying our goodbyes he said "I love you!" and that was such an aww moment haha. I got to talk to my friend and kind of get to know him more. (Un?)fortunately we didn't meet any homeless people which kind of sucks for my friend cause it was his first time and he was really hoping to talk to some. Here's to him doing it again next year along with more people!

HAHA.

an active baby and a sleepy patient

I went to see my new OB yesterday and i loved her! she did an ultrasound with me and the BABY is SO BIG now! I saw his/her little hands waiving at me... yes my baby has FIVE FINGERS not less/not more... and i saw the legs kicking none stop... An active child... or a difficult one ?! we have to watch out!

afterwards we went to drop off my husband at the hospital for surgery. the appointment was 12:30pm but the traffic was terribly bad... and because he didn't eat all day he was grouchy and had a bad temper... I don't know where I had the strength (must be God) to be so calm... i think i would usually get mad also... but yea, i was calm and tried to be funny. God is good!

I dropped him off at around 1:30pm and wanna some bubble tea. So I drove from upper east side down to st. marks. No Parking... I then drove to chinatown thinking there might be parking near church and I can hang around there till 4ish to pick up my husband... no parking!

I was really thirsty then, so drove back up to upper east side and parked the car. That's like 4pm already.... I basically stuck in traffic all day and did nothing. What a way to waste time and gas!

I parked the car at the garage near the hospital and went up waiting for him.... I thought that he's be out by 5, but almost two hour passed by, i didn't see him. Then i found out that he called and texted me for a couple times. I walked out, and he was there. They covered the bottom of his nose with gauze pad and i t looked really funny... i started to laugh, then I realized that he was feeling terrible... How insensitive I was...

I tried my best to get home as soon as possible, but because of the traffic, we got back like 7:30. His nose was still bleeding. I changed the gauze pad for him once an hour and wiped his face clean. I had a very strange feeling coz this is my first time taking care of a patient. I had to be very careful because I can't put any pressure on his nose, but then because the blood already got hardened it was difficult to clean up...

I knew he felt terrible so I let him sleep. This morning I helped him clean up the blood again... Thank God that he's not bleeding as much! He didn't want to eat anything coz I think they stabbed needles into the back of his tongue. So I went and bought ground beef and some vegetables and used the blender to make a soup out of them. I then cooked the oatmeal with the soup so he can eat it without hurting his throat. I feel like making baby food haha!

He was sleeping all day so that was good for his recovery!

I learned a lot about love this past two days and I feel that I'm learning to be a care-taker... it's a good day!

Day 28.

Had lunch with a sister I haven't seen in a long while. I was a bit iffy about having lunch with her one-on-one cause I don't know her all too well and I was afraid of awkward silences thinking of what to say/ask exactly. I worry about that with good friends, ha. But no worries! I enjoyed my time with her and it was so easy to talk to her. Thank you God! I'm glad I was able to spend some time with her and get to know her.

We had lunch at St. Mark's and right outside the K-Mart was a homeless woman and her dog. She was fairly young - I would say in her mid/late 20s. I rarely see homeless women in general and homeless people with pets. I felt so :(. Only a couple days after another bad snow storm too. I was in a rush and I don't like to be late so I gave her a dollar and went on my way. I thought to myself, "I'll offer to buy her a meal if I see her after lunch." After lunch, I was walking with my friend and I feel really self-conscious for some reason giving help to the homeless when I'm with other people. Not sure why. So we walked past the homeless woman and her dog. My friend and I said our goodbyes. I went to the train station and my friend went somewhere else. I went down a flight of stairs and it was bugging me that I just went against what I told myself before. I thought "I'm already in the train station. I have to walk A BLOCK back and I have somewhere to go. And it's only going to bother me for a while and I'll eventually forget about her" and the other side of me thought "You told yourself you'd offer her food before. It's freaking cold. And the dog! Seriously? Is DWB just a one time or two time thing? Have you not learned anything? Don't be a hypocrite. You don't like hypocrites." So I went out and walked back to her. I offered to get her some food and she accepted. She apparently had food for her dog already. So I went to go get her food and as I was waiting for it, I remembered I had an AMEX gift card with a few dollars left in it. I called the number behind the card to find out the balance..about $7 and some change. So I walk back to her, give her the food, and introduce myself. She was was really nice. Her name is Mouse. I really wish I had more balls to have stayed and talked to her more and to have offered to pray for her. Instead I just told her I'd be praying for her. So if you're ever around the K-Mart by St. Mark's and see a blond woman in her mid/late 20s with a big black labrador, please go and talk to her :) Her name is Mouse.

HAHA.

Day 27.

UNOFFICIAL SNOW DAY! WHAT WHAT! Woke up and went to go see how much it snowed last night. Holy cow! I get texts from Notify NYC which keeps me updated on things like whether schools are cancelled and it said all public schools were cancelled. I called Fordham's Snow number hoping classes were cancelled too..they were just postponed. LAME. My drawing class was going to take a trip to the MoMa today, but she said if anything we can go ourselves so the downer is I gotta go next week. And I didn't do the reading for my psych class so ehh didn't go to that. Good day resting at home! My mom got home pretty early too and turned out she didn't drive to work. I was watching Remember Me when she came home and when she asked me to go with her to shovel the snow I got laksjdlaksjdaksd cause I was in movie mode so I tried to calm myself down so I wouldn't snap at her. She never asked again so I didn't bring it up ;x We ended up watching the movie together. Letting me finish the movie was her act of love. She asked me again and this time around I was happy to do it. Holy freaking crackers is shoveling tiring.

HAHA.

Day 26.

What is up with the weather! And what's up with school's not closing?? Haha. Still as hard as it is for us, how much harder is it for those without a home or even a proper meal jacket, or shoes? I've been kind of annoyed at the uncomfortability of having my aunt and cousin take up my room for the month. It was annoying not having easy access to my things and just a place to call my own. Knowing today would be an all day at school kind of day and knowing I have no money to buy lunch I wished I wasn't broke so I could BUY lunch. What a waste of money when I could be making my lunch and using that lunch money for something better. I remember telling off my friend because he's a splurger, but what about me? So I ended up making two egg sandwiches for lunch and linner. This morning when I saw that it was raining I decided to take out my big puffy jacket. When I didn't like how it looked I decided on not wearing it. As I was walking home, I really wondered what I did before my rain boots. Gotta love em! At the end of pretty much every block is either snow or a huge icy puddle and I remember thinking how inconvenient it was to just walk around it. Now I can just step through! I forget how blessed I am to have the necessities and find myself wanting and wishing more. And when I get so caught up with myself, I lose sight of those in need. Fail. Because of the snow, classes after 4 were cancelled. Great! I got out of class early and as I was packing up to go home I realized I had one more sandwich. I knew I wouldn't have an appetite for it once I got home cause I could have hot, "better" food at home. I figured and hoped I'd see someone asking for food on the way home. I did, but does that really count as an act of love? My motives weren't entirely for the good of the one in need. Come on, fool you can do this.

So I've been trying to love God more and it hasn't been successful. I want to get back into reading the Bible and doing devotions. I usually do it at night, but I tend to have a problem when I procrastinate and I end up skimming through it or being too tired to do it. So I wanted to try and wake up early and do it. For the past week, I haven't been able to wake up in time. Here's to being back in my room and regulating my sleep schedule and being productive!

HAHA.

first time in a long time..

So this thing that I did was actually on Monday. Sorry, I'm a late blogger. =/ Just kept forgetting to get on here to write something..

so the other day, I was on my way to dinner for restaurant week. As I got on the train and sat down, this guy starts talking and say "ladies and gentlemen, I am asking you today..." and so on. It's been more than a year since I gave anything to a homeless person because there was an "incident" a couple years ago. It was just a guy asking people for stuff on the street and I wanted to be nice so I pulled out a small pack of ritz crackers and offered it to him and HE REFUSED IT! Instead, he said "do you have money?" and I was like.........heck no. Hahaha. So after that, I decided not to give money to homeless people whenever I saw them.

For some reason, I decided to give this homeless guy money on the train. It wasn't a lot, but it was the first time I've done that in a really long time.

-frostedflakesaremyfavorite.

Helping people is a difficult task

I remember many years ago when i was in college, I met a man. He told me that his car got tolled and he needed to borrow $300 to get his car back because his wallet was in the car. I didn't have that much money with me, so went to the ATM and got $300 for him. He got my number and told me that he would call me back to return the money but ... u probably know... he never did.

Then I told myself that I was never going to give stranger any money.

Yesterday a lady walked in to our office saying that she didn't have a place to stay. We helped her find some shelters for women but she didn't want to go. She wanted money. We didn't want to give her money because we didn't know what she's gonna do with it. struggling for like an hour or so, she left.

Unlike Jesus, we often do not know what people really need. we also tend to be suspicious of others that we don't know or don't know well and cannot trust them, especially after we are cheated. May God help us understand how to love truly and love well.

Day 25.

Finally was able to get Halal food! Since mid-summer, one of those food carts opened up at a corner at the end of my block. My brother and I got it whenever we could not only cause the food was good, but because the guy was so so sweet. He would always go above and behind with every order. And he was so caring! We would have conversations, and it wasn't like creeper niceness, he was very paternal. He would bring me Tahini sauce and hummus that he made. Sweet! Anyway, I didn't see him AT ALL last semester. Sad sad. And with the snow, he's been MIA for a lot of the winter break. Today, got home early in time for lunch and he was there! YESSS! I was walking Roxie so I first went to just order and we talked for a bit before I walked Roxie back home. I went back and we talked a bit - how I haven't been around, how his business dropped cause of the horrible snow, things of that sort. He was being his usual cool self and offered extra falafels and actually asked how I wanted my french fries - I know that's no biggie - but no one asks how you would like your french fries done. He's just nice like that haha. Finally found out what his name was - Sammy! Sammy the awesome Halal food cart guy :) I paid a bit more than the total as a way of saying thank you for everything he's done. I wish I could offer him more, he's such a sweet man. Here's to going above and beyond in all we do!

HAHA.

Day 24.

I encountered a homeless man walking in my direction whilst walking to the train station at 42nd st. He was asking for change so I gave him some and offered some granola bars I had on me. Looking back I realize that I was still in a rush - we are always in a rush. I wish I could've offered more.

My hope is to love more at school.

HAHA.

sabbath

I've been enjoying my Sabbath on both Saturday and today. I believe that sometimes it's necessary for us to recharge ourselves so we can love more. I've been sleeping a lot, which is what I really need after a week of work. I've also been catching up with what I missed for my Bible reading plan (I'm still a week behind...) and reading some good stuff such as a book about prayer and another one about purity. I'm learning to love through prayer. There are times that i want to do things or say things out of care for others but i just don't know what to do or have no right words to say, I pray, for God to intervene and help the person. I know that He's more effective than anyone else!

Days 22-23.

Day 22 was Don't Walk By at OCM. I had to first give Tigger back to my friend. I miss him. When I grow up, I'm gonna be a crazy dog lady! That's the dream! Hahaha. Mm I would've liked to talk to more homeless folk, but I enjoyed helping behind the scenes. It was amazing and crazy to see all the work that goes in that you normally don't see. There's so much cooperation and support that goes in from staff and you don't necessarily see that from the "outside." To see them doing it because they want to not because they have to was really encouraging. I enjoyed working with the OCM staff and the DWB staff. The work janitors do is amazing btw! IT IS SO MUCH WORK.

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17

Today act of love was inspired by a fellow writer :) On my way home I saw a lady dragging/carrying her brick heavy grocery shopping cart down the stairs of the train station. I asked her if she wanted help but she said it was okay - I think not cause she didn't want it but because she didn't want to burden someone. She continued to struggle so I asked again and she gave in. Brick heavy. I swiped and watch her go through the emergency door and thought about what said fellow writer did and waited and asked her where she was going (the other way than me too haha) so I helped and we went our ways. Thanks fellow writer!

HAHA.

Day 21.

We can be mean people. You know when you're mad/annoyed/down to the last itty bitty piece of patience and you just want to hurt the person who made you feel that way? You just wanna lash them and tear them down cause words can do just the trick. We can show love by being patient and by biting down on our tongue so we don't fall into that temptation of intentionally hurting someone to make them feel small and for us to feel bigger for a short time. Haha sounds like today was bad, but it wasn't. I took my cousin out so he could get some stuff for his friends before he goes back to Korea. When I have to go around the city with people who don't have unlimited MetroCards, I like to have a game plan in order to minimize money spent on transportation. My cousin mentioned that he wanted to get those gross flavored jelly beans for his friends so while on the train I asked him if he still wanted to. There was some miscommunication and I thought he said he didn't, but he did..which I found out an hour before I had to leave and we were downtown but had to go uptown. I was about to go off on a rant, but I breathed. Boy, does oxygen work! So I called my brother to see if there was somewhere closer to downtown that sold the jelly beans. He found a place and gave me directions and there was some misunderstanding again and I thought he gave me wrong directions so I started to get really impatient and I noticed how my volume was increasing. I kept telling myself he's doing me a favor and helping me, breathe, breathe. Then again, during small group, I felt like I was trying so hard to be confident and LEAD! but people kept going off on tangents and I would try and bring it back which works for a while then another tangent and again and again. I just couldn't understand how people could be serious and on point one second and then act a fool the next. It is mind boggling. But I have a hard time balancing seriousness and joking around, so I tried to loosen up and laugh a bit you know be myself. Successful some points and then drew back some other times. PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE! LOVE LOVE LOVE!

HAHA.

Day 20.

I'm trying to be patient and hospitable. I've been up and down today and tired so more easily annoyed. I fell asleep like zonked out on the train so when I got home I was a bit out of it/cranky hahaha. I just wanted to eat dinner and watch tv which was going well. Wasn't much to watch until I was flipping around and realized that Jersey Shore was on tonight and it wasn't recording! So missed the first couple minutes. The producers of the show or whoever's in charge of the content are genius! The show is terribly addicting. No good story..just drama. Anyway when I watch my shows I really don't like being interrupted. I get really into the show and can't multi-task. If people talk to me I have to pause and I get impatient and annoyed. So when I'm watching Jersey Shore my cousin decides to come up and watch with, and since he doesn't know what's going on he's asking all these questions. He starts talking about other stuff. And later on my aunt comes home and starts talking and asking questions too. I need more patience. In other areas too.

HAHA.

Tired

I am so tired!

The past weekend was tiring. I'm happy that both groups of students had great time, but running from one retreat to the other is not fun. I felt that I was dragging my heavier and heavier body along for all the things, and at the end of the Monday, I was totally crashed!

It snowed on Monday night and the oiijjkkjlljliixa truck was shoveling the snow at 3am! I was not able to sleep after that!

Back to work, found out that there's an issue with the short term mission trip in July, the one that I was supposed to lead but I can't now ! Another session of back and forth emails and conversations trying to figure out a better solution...

I am tired and stressed! And I know I cannot love at all when I'm like this. I'm so dry, what do I have to give?

I want to crawl into my bed and take a good nap, and then open up my favorite devotional book and let my soul to be healed. Lord help me.

Day 19.

I am tired. I was/am half ready for school. Today was a day of God providing :) I feel that I received a lot of love today and I find myself racking my brains trying to see if I did any loving today. I realize that as awesome and great big acts of love are, that doesn't mean smaller acts of love are any less important. Sometimes it's all the little things that make you smile longer. Or maybe that's just me haha. Being back at school really makes me wonder how this 365 Days of Love is going to work out. I'm scared. I'm so ehh at school.

I usually email/write to my friend, but haven't since the summer cause I suck. I love writing long emails and getting them! So I finally wrote a semi-complete one to my dear friend. I hope I get back into the groove of things. By the time I got home my mom was in bed. I guess her shoulder's been hurting so she had one of those heat packs on and she asked me to reheat it for her which I was able to do without hesitation. Yeah, I usually whine or take my time cause I'm a lazy fool. I love you for putting up with me, mom. Let me tell you, animals are one of the easiest living things to love. Dogs are great! Their love for their owners really makes you smile and laugh. With Roxie getting old, she's more calm about things. But with Tigger, he's all hyped up running laps around you, jumping up and down, following you, running on to your lap when he gets home. And when you're doing your own thing, he'll remind you that he wants some attention and loving my pawing at your hands and feet and shoving his nose and face into your hands. If you give him all your attention and tire him with belly rubs, he lies content in your lap or right next to you. I'm gonna miss Tigger. Humans are too proud to scream for that kind of attention..and if you do, you're too dependent and needy. Imagine we provide that love from the beginning without any prodding? Everyone will be content with their bellies up!

Sorry if this blog was all over the place and doesn't make much sense! Haha I'll get some rest

HAHA.

Day 18.

Patience, patience, patience. God, I need more patience. LAST DAY OF MY LAST WINTER BREAK! Brother wanted some coffee, but we ran out at home. Him being lazy asked me to go get some so I did. Which I guess would've been better if I used my own money haha but I'm broke so he paid. So at dinner I sat with a friend who can require a bit of patience. At times I don't give him the benefit of the doubt and assume things which is not good. When I was little a "wiser" friend told me never to assume because it makes an ASS out of U and ME. I need to bring that back. And I really need to practice loving. How can I say I went to a retreat where I learned about love and not live it?? A little excerpt from today's Our Daily Bread.

"The most powerful means, therefore, of promoting what is good is by example. . . . One man in a thousand can write a book to instruct his neighbors. . . . But every man can be a pattern of living excellence to those around him.”

HAHA.

Days 14-17.

January 14-16, 11: Zion Retreat! Whattap! I really enjoyed it, but I really need to work on my patience. There were some instances I got really ticked off/annoyed/frustrated/mad at people and situations and I could've handled it better. I tried breathing it out and speak calmly which was successful in some cases but it was still obvious that I was agitated. Some I feel were appropriate responses because I feel like people don't take me seriously so they just disregard me and keep doing what they're doing. But either way, I feel like I could've handled it better. Come on, the theme was LOVE. I really enjoyed the fellowship and bonding time. Even just waking up early to cook for everyone with staff was so humbling and so fun. I think having advisors as speakers made it more intimate because they knew us. It was a blessing to witness and experience the advisors' love for us. By simply spending time with us, playing with us, talking with us, cooking and cleaning with us really showed that they care. I learned to love in the same way. I loved talking to some people I normally don't or don't talk to besides surface things and getting to know them. After a year I finally finished Small Group Leaders' Handbook and I feel like there's just more things to add on my list to dos. So much time and effort and prayer and love goes into a small group & fellowship. WE GOT THIS!

17th: Yesterday, some church friends discussed taking the kids out today, but canceled it earlier today. I couldn't help but judge one for canceling cause I'm pretty sure it was out of laziness. I had a talk last week with a staff member and after that, I can't help but internally criticize and question the other staff member. I'm having a hard time understanding what's going on and loving in all aspects. It's gonna take some time to love here. Anyways, I saw this as a chance to step up and show that I really care. In the past year, I've been pretty MIA so I don't even know what these kids are going through. We didn't do much and it made me think past Bible study teachers have done for me as a kid. Even just taking the time to take me out to have fun and paying for me. I can't even do that. It made me think how I can love these kids during the year by investing time. It's gonna take a lot of commitment.

HAHA.

Retreat

At first, I honestly thought that "Love" as the theme of this retreat would be cliche, but I'm so glad it was the theme, because God showed me a lot. I can't say that I'll be entirely loving now, nor can I say that I will be able to forgive and love my enemies, but I will try much much more. Hate does consume our lives, when it becomes our only focus. But when it is love, we in turn bless others.
Today my dad really wanted me to come home. I had a lot of work, but I gave in because truthfully I do treasure my family greater. I came home because I love them, and I want to spend time with them. I'm going to spend tonight really enjoying family presence, loving and spending time with them.

sermonizing

It's been a busy week. Digesting the scriptures and trying to two sermons is hard work. I was also preparing for Wed. night's Roman's class. That also gives me a lot of pressure because I'm teaching it with my boss, who is an excellent teacher.

I tend to work very hard on the sermons. I know it's important that I have to learn a lot before I can teach it to someone. Teaching is a difficult thing, because you not only need to know the stuff that you are teaching, you also have to deliver in a way that will engage people and impact people. I'm never so sure how much what I say can impact others, so I have to change the draft over and over again till the very last minute...

I think i'm doing this out of love. love for their souls. I pray that these young men and women can live the rest of their lives honoring God, and I can be blessed to be a witness of all these wonderful things that are going to happen!

Day 13.

So been getting ready for the retreat which is this weekend. It's been fun, but also frustrating in some areas. It's a good learning experience - learning to work with others, learning to delegate, learning to be okay with not pleasing EVERYONE, learning to make some sacrifices, etc etc. By leading and serving, it's also been a good opportunity to learn to love especially when it's hard to love. Today I learned about love through my friend's family. From how they interacted with each other to how they treated me. Even when patience was running low they would listen to each other. Ha! Imagine I did that with family and other folk I got annoyed with instead of just avoiding them and letting tensions build up. Love by being honest and patient.

HAHA.

Day 12.

I need something to make me not so lazy. I slept A LOT last night and I still couldn't wake up before noon. I went out around the neighborhood with aunt and cousins pretty much right after I woke up - an hour in, and I was just exhausted. That ain't good. Pretty eventless day staying at home after that one time going out. My aunt and cousin are staying in my room so I'm staying in my brother's. With an air mattress in my room it's pretty crowded and it's just a hassle to go in there for anything. So I leave all my clothes and other miscellaneous things in my brother's room and it's been piling up. He's been telling me to clean it up, but I pretty much disregarded what he said. I started to feel overwhelmed by all my crap all over the place so to show him that I loved him I started to clean. Didn't turn out so well cause he started telling me what to do and I snapped back and he snapped back. Then I got annoyed with my mom just cause I was annoyed. It got better as I continued cleaning, but still. I was just alskjdaopisdaklsndaksd. I need more patience.

HAHA.

Day 11.

I've been getting so lazy. I've been going to sleep pretty late which would obviously make it that much harder to wake up in the morning. I really need to get my sleeping habits back into shape before classes start again! Had lunch with a friend today and I was a bit nervous cause I don't think we've ever hung out one-on-one..maybe once in the summer? I barely talked to her over the school semester so I was afraid it was gonna be weird. But it was good! We had a good conversation and it was fun. So I realized today that I'm not only her friend, but I'm also in a sg with her. Not that I wasn't aware of it before, but it used to be two separate things. Then I started thinking about the sg in general. I've never had lunch with anyone from sg one-on-one. How am I supposed to care and love for the members of the sg if I don't take the time to spend time with them and get to know them?

From yesterday and today I saw 3-4 homeless men, but I didn't do anything. When I'm with people who don't respond to homeless people, I tend to do the same and just avoid eye contact. Reminded me about Saturday. After doing the street engagement in our designated area, the team decided to walk back to the church. Right at the corner of the church was this homeless man slumped over a newspaper stand. We approached him to ask him if he wanted to come get something to eat, and after being greeted with such gratitude during the day, we just did not expect the reaction we got. This man was just annoyed. Two or three groups had already approached him and he was sick of people constantly asking him. We just backed off and headed towards the church. On our way, a guy who had just watched what happened came and told us to be aware of the perspective of the homeless man. Something along the lines of the following.."Remember, today is ONE day you guys go out and help other. You're doing this with the church right? You might be feeling good, but it's only one day. Tomorrow you'll go back to what you're used to. Think about him, this is his life. Sunday-Friday people don't treat him like a person and now all of a sudden people are caring. How is he supposed to think of people?" I can't be a part time lover of God.

HAHA.

here's your jacket, miss.

So during class today I was sitting behind one of my classmates that had hung her jacket on her chair. The professor told us that we had a 5 minute break so I was busy looking at my phone. At that moment out of the corner of my eye I see my classmates' jacket fall off her chair because she had gotten up from her seat and it fell into this hole between where we were sitting and the wall (because where we sit is higher off the ground). I stopped what I was doing and reached for her jacket and said "your jacket..." I don't know what it is but I realized that a big part of me wanted her to know that I had picked up her jacket. I wanted her to know that I had done something nice for her. and she actually heard what I said and said "oh, thank you!" as she was walking out of the classroom to go to the bathroom. I am pretty upset at myself for wanting that recognition. I'm annoyed at myself. Yes it was my good and loving deed for the day but I made sure the kind act was known. And that's not what it's about. Sigh, four days and all I've come up with is this. Whacksauce.

-frostedflakesaremyfavorite

Day 10.

So my aunt and cousin are visiting from Korea and they've been here for about 2 weeks, but my cousin has been staying at home for the most part. My brother told me he overheard his mom yelling at him cause he's been wasting his time. Why come to New York if you're just gonna stay at home type of thing. I felt bad cause I go out to do my own thing and when I am home all I do is sleep and watch tv.

So today went to lunch with him and brother. We were planning to see some friends from home church for dinner, but brother had to go back home to tutor so I just took the cousin around the city. We did a lot of walking around and treated him to some food..well lots of it. Food is such an awesome people bringer together! It was a bit awkward at first cause we don't really talk. I kind of just wanted to ask him about his walk, but was afraid to force the conversation so just waited for an opening. An hour in there was an opening and I asked him if he went to church back home. We started talking about his church, his experience on a worship team, 1040, churches in Korea, my home church. Really good conversation! Was able to get to know him more than I did during the 3 years he lived here. HA! While talking about the churches in Korea and 1040, I told him how I wanted to go to Korea in the summer to check out the big churches. He said there was one big one in Seoul with an English ministry that he's planning on going to in the summer - HELLO! - perfect for me hahahaha! He invited me to go with him if I do end up going to Korea. AH, I really want to.

HAHA.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a strange day. I think my pregnancy hormone is really doing something in me and now I tend to get upset so easily for very trivial things...

And I got mad twice yesterday. I thank my husband for being so patient with me Ang cheer me up, reminding me that somehow I need to change the way I see things......

I'm very reluctant when it comes to change. In this respect I'm pretty much like johna, not until God put me in the stomach of a whale I wouldn't want to do anything about myself. That I need to change, too. Haha

Both incident happened in the beginning and the end of the day. In between I had a good day. It's fun to teach. I don't always prepare well enough, but I like it as if when God open your mouth and u just keep talking passionately about something important, without any notes. Seeing all the kids staring at me I was hoping they did learn something.

Then I had a meeting. Afterwards I sat with a family for a long time. I didn't say much, didn't do much, but sat there sharing their presence. I also prayed for them, quietly in my heart. One of the few times I find myself doing something through doing nothing. I felt deep love and joy among this family, very simple love and joy. And that's like treasures to me.

I like days as such, when I can learn something about myself and something about others, also something about love.

Day 9.

A day of unexpected bits of :)..?

I realize I've turned to this blog to do all my blogging..so sorry for the long posts!

I am really excited for the church's theme this year. It was nice change to hear a sermon from someone different today and funny! I've been having a hard time following Sunday sermons - maybe for a monthish? And I've been having a hard time with prayer and I guess I've been avoiding having to admit it, but I've gotten uncomfortable and kind of nervous when praying with others again. When praying with others was foreign I was so self conscious of praying with others and I'm back at that stage. But I remember last spring and summer when praying with others was something I anticipated, loved, and it made me really happy.

So today at lunch, I got to talk to a Zion lady and I really really enjoyed our conversation. She had just come back from KCCC's Vision Conference and there was so much joy and enthusiasm in her. I love one-on-ones! even though I guess it technically wasn't haha. She was so excited to share what she had learned and she had such a heart for change. I remember feeling the same way after Urbana, but I was still scared to share my experience. No pressure, but I can see her being a potential leader for Zion! No pressure! She talked about her struggles and I shared mine about prayer. That got us talking about Zion and her experience with KCCC and what she'd like to see in Zion. She's been wanting to talk to someone, to offer a suggestion. We talked about having a prayer night and she even offered to help :) We also talked about women's group. She sparked that fire for prayer in me again. No more fear! Well it'll take time, but no more fear!

Back to home church. I was feeling so good after the conversation, but something - the devil - always for the most part drains any excitement when I get to my home church. Our projector was declared broken today so we had to sing a song that most people would know which was something more traditional and I'm more for contemporary so I was egh. I kept thinking if we were more structured or organized, worship would be/could be something all the kids would look forward to and take seriously each week. So after service I'm cleaning up and one of staff approaches me. Now we're pretty good friends, but usually right before or right after service I get annoyed cause I feel he doesn't take service seriously. But no matter how much of a jerk I am he still has my back and tries to include me in what's happening. Anyway he had to go home to pick something up for one of the moms and he asked me if I wanted to come and offered to give me a short driving lesson by his neighborhood since it's fairly empty. I kind of didn't want to go cause I wanted to help my mom and I was annoyed with him at the time he asked me. Our conversations have been pretty superficial and I didn't feel like faking another one, but something pushed me to go so I went. So he heard I had volunteered yesterday so he asked about it and I tried to be as honest as I could which pushed me out of what I'm comfortable with. Today's conversation was the deepest most honest conversation we've had, and I've known him 10+ years. We started talking about the current situation of the youth group. Staff, the kids, OCM/Redeemer, my brother. All the things I assumed of him was wrong, well some things were true but his intentions were better than I had given him credit for. I understand more about the problems of my home church - boy, does it go deeper. This could be the beginning of a deeper friendship!

These conversations today were really a blessing. I was able to love by caring, by listening, by being honest. And I was able to be loved in the same way.

HAHA.

Day 8.

Did DWB today with some Hosanna people. So found out yesterday that it was recommended that we make our own care packages to give out to the men and women we meet on the streets. A friend was gonna get all the items and split the costs, but she couldn't find some things so she asked me to get em. She then was gonna go out of her way to get something else, but since it was on my way I offered to get it instead. Uh so the group I was in required some patience haha. It was really difficult knowing that I should be loving, but actually not wanting to at some times. Yeah, that sounds bad and it is, but it was just alskdjaflksjdsalksd. But DWB was really great! Meeting and hearing the stories, seeing some of the homeless people's attitudes was really a blessing. Going in, I hoped to bless/be a blessing to the homeless people, but nonono it was the other way around.

3 men I remember are David, Mr. Reed, and James. I remember David because he's a South Korean immigrant. While the group was talking to him, some friends came around to ask me if they thought he was Korean or Japanese - they were pretty sure he wasn't Chinese from his accent. He allowed us to pray for him, so before praying for him, a friend asked him where he's originally from. South Korea! Weird, but I sort of felt a connection to him after or this urge to create a connection. Friends encouraged me to talk to him, but I'm just thinking HOW?! I can't speak Korean! I can go as far as "Hi how are you?" ugh what a fail. A lot of the time I feel repelled by Korean pop culture and refuse to get "sucked in" but it'd be nice to have a strong Korean background.

Mr. Reed was a really nice black gentleman outside a McDonald's. He was really eager and enthusiastic in having a conversation. Even as we talked to him and as he waited for the van to pick him up, he worked hard opening doors so he had a CHANCE of getting spare change. And even when he was ignored he politely and cheerfully said "God Bless, you have a good night!" Imagine we had that same attitude when people are just plain jerks??

James was the last man we encountered. Such a child at heart, but heart broken. When we asked him how he was doing, he was probably the only honest one to say "I'm not doing so good." I'm not sure how much of his story he told cause I couldn't hear a lot of it, but whenever he was talking his personality just woke up. He was so alive and he kept saying that everything was only possible because of God. He knew God and he trusted Him. God decides our days, He gives us air to breathe, and he decides when we breathe our last breath. A guy shivering on a cold winter night who lost his gloves to policemen still had so much trust in God. His faith was amazing. But when conversation dropped for a bit, you could see the sadness in his eyes. He had such a brave face and amazing faith.

HAHA.

limitation

i don't like the fact that i'm sick and that i'm pregnant. I'm tired all the time and feel so limited in what I can do.

I wanted to stay through the skit night last night, but I felt exhausted even before the skits started. I knew that I had to go home and sleep by then. I wish I could be there and do more, but my body told me that I couldn't.

most would think having a child is a very joyful thing, but i'm so burdened by it. I pretty much don't ever consider for my own health, and now i have to pay attention to the little one's health. That puts a lot of limitation on what i can or can not do. and i don't like that. I hope my kid doesn't ever see what i'm posting here coz it's gonna get to traumatized haha.

I think indeed i'm a free-spirit person and I just don't like to be bounded. That's actually pretty selfish. Love others can be quite difficult that way. I'm thankful that i'm learning how to care for another life through experiencing limitation...

Day 7.

Today was one of the easier days. Serving is something I really enjoy and it helps me connect to people much easier than usual. Pretty much started the day with women's group. It was good to just talk things out and gain insight in certain things. I tend to criticize people and pick it in my head without knowing the whole picture, but with the help of the women I became less judgmental and frustrated. After, we started getting ready for the night. Making food, helping the worship team set up, doing A/V and camera, the welcome team, serving the food..uhh all that good stuff! Even public speaking is less frightening - having other people on stage and friends in the crowd did help! And seeing everyone - of different ages - get together to make tonight happen was a good humble reminder. From a freshman helping with sound and worship to a veteran getting out and getting all the food - THAT is the meaning of community! Word. Hahaha

"Life becomes harder for us when we live for others, but it also becomes richer and happier." Albert Schweitzer

HAHA.

Day 6.

Today my small group had a hangout - the 2nd of the year and 1st with the away students. It was a good time by some, not so much by others. It's hard. With the fall semester, I've been letting the small group down - I feel like the state of the sg is back to how last year's sg was. Just getting through another day, another meeting, another Friday - just going through the motions. There's SO much that goes in a small group and it is/can be the heart of the fellowship. There's so much potential and hope for the individuals and group as a whole! I've been a part of a thriving and flourishing small group and I want to be able to do the same, to care for the members in my sg, to have them experience the joy that results from an awesome sg. This process has been pulling at me in different directions cause..I got issues haha. I got big hopes and dreams for this upcoming year! I just worry that I'm gonna fall through again. I don't want people to fall through the cracks because of my lack of ______.

So as we were going home, there were a few Brooklyn people heading back together. Surprisingly the trains were pretty packed, so the group split up and went through two different doors. We ended up staying separated. I got to talk to a member I'm not particularly close with, and I was able to get to know him more. He expressed some doubts and I guess apathy? It's the same story I've heard before, and its :(. Like really. I don't fully know the history of the fellowship and the members. And I don't fully understand the distance/unwelcomingness they feel because I was really blessed with a fairly easy transition into Zion. People were great, nice and welcoming. But not everyone has the same experience. Even if they've been going to OCM all their lives. So I was trying to convince this friend, but he was just..apathetic? He was used to it as he explained. It's just a "temporary phase." It'll be over soon. I feel like he was giving up. I was honestly a little frustrated in the beginning because I felt like people sometimes think leadership doesn't know or doesn't care, but that's not the case! I calmed down a bit and was able to think and realized that I shouldn't be forcing my thoughts on him, but I should just listen cause I don't know the entire story. So I did. He was calm. I was calm. I was able to understand the situation better and he was really nice about it. I hope I was too! I've come to really love these kinds of conversations. One-on-one or just a couple people discussing matters that matter to us. I look forward to the school year so that he can see that I care.

My hope is to bridge that gap between city and away students. Between even the city students. To make people feel more welcome. To give them a sense of ownership of their fellowship. Give them a reason to come to Fridays and have an excitement for it. To not have to worry or "be used to" being judged or an outsider. It's gonna happen!

HAHA.

Day 5.

Today was an eventful day. It was fun and really great to spend time with people that make me happy :) Mm well after we all split, I was gonna go home, but decided to go to SoHo and look for a friend's gift. I went in and out a bunch of stores, but didn't find what I was looking for. Made my way to St Mark's and I went into the 8th St train station, but one without those booths. I swiped but it said swipe again, I did and it said swipe again..freaking like 5 times then someone was behind me so I let him go first. Same thing happened to him the first time, but the second time around, he got through. So I tried another 5 more times and it didn't work so I decided to go to the main station which said my MetroCard was just used. I turn around and the booth was empty cause of budget cuts. REALLY? I wasn't that tired and this never happens - New Yorkers get through in one swipe! - so I thought God didn't want me to take the train at that time so I walked back to Prince St and figured my MetroCard will be useable then. I was just in my own thoughts figuring out what, if any, act of love I did today. I saw a homeless gentleman, but he walked into a Starbucks. I was walking away, but as I turned around I saw that he was just standing inside. I walked back to ask him if he wanted something hot to drink but he just mumbled something so I asked him again and he just said "Get away from me" really really sternly so I just walked away. But on my walk, I saw another homeless man. I asked him if he wanted something to eat or drink, but he said he already had something so I just gave him a dollar.

Why is it (sometimes) easier to be loving to strangers than to people we actually know?

HAHA.

hmmm...bubble teaa..

I don't know what it was about getting bubble tea today but I had the sudden urge to get yaya's which I haven't had in a long time. After I felt this, I suggested it to two of my dear friends (Priscilla and Ronni) and they decided to go with me. For some odd reason, I don't know who it was, but I asked someone if they wanted something from yaya as well. And then all of a sudden I found myself asking basically the whole office of OCM if they wanted anything and took orders like a delivery person hahaha. I cannot take all the credit for this kind deed, of course. Priscilla held the money (cause I tend to lose things if you haven't noticed...) and Ronni helped carry the drinks. And I only found out after that we had actually gotten someone's lunch for them! Crazy.

Well, in any case, that was actually kind of fun doing this nice deed..though calculating the price was a bit difficult for me (so Priscilla did it =D hahaha, I'm a fail math major).

another side note: tangled, the movie, is so cute :).

-frostedflakesaremyfavorite

Love is in the air

I'm sick.
Not a good thing at all since I can't take medication now.
And now I can't sleep...

I often feel that I receive more love than give out... I was in bed sneezing and blowing my nose all day. My husband came back and saw all the tissue on the floor..."what's this?" I told him that I will clean up after I get well ( yes I'm a lazy bum, if I need only clean once, why do it twice?). He didn't say anything and picked up all the tissue filled with my dirty mucus which is full of virus...

ears.

So today, one of my friends texted me to vent. And all I did was listen and told him I'd be there for him. He just needed to know that he was not alone in what he was going through. He made it so easy to be kind. Simple as that :).

Side note: my professor gave a weird homework assignment today. We had to hop (literally hop like a bunny) onto a train by ourselves and say "YES!" out loud and then take a seat and act like nothing happened and then journal people's reactions. Goodness, that was embarrassing. I have to do it twice and I've only done it once...hahaha so nerve racking! Just wanted to share an interesting part of my day =).

-frostedflakesaremyfavorite

Day 4.

I woke up pretty angry today. It was 2PM and I wasn't budging so my brother was yelling at me to wake up..not the best way to be woken up. Then the dogs were yapping cause they wanted to go out. Then I found some dog poo on my blankets. I need to snap out of vacation mode and have more productive mornings.

Well parents and aunt were gone and the girls had gone to school. My brother had to tutor so he got his own lunch. So it was just me and my "cousin". At that point it was either making ramen or buying something, so I bought lunch for us and hung out with him. I should take him out to the city.

Less anger. More love.

HAHA.

Loving others

shouldn't be difficult.

or so I thought.

I've been thinking about this project so much and it makes me sad because I've realized I haven't done much loving lately. At the end of the day, it makes frustrates me that I even need to rack my brain for a kind act.

Today I had asp. My class was wonderful today, but looking back now I didn't interact and love them as much as I wished I had. As we were picking up the kids I remember talking to Gino and doing sudoku with him before the other kids arrived. I remember enjoying spending time with this sweet, innocent boy. Talking to him felt warm, genuine and joyful, even though it was a simple conversation. Just taking a few minutes to talk to Gino made his smile and share with me his day. But thats not only with kids, taking a few minutes out of my day to talk to a friend or family can really lift them up. I hope that I'll learn to take that time more seriously.

I know that I don't want to feel obligated to act with kindness, but rather act from the heart. I'm praying that God will teach me what it means to love.

Day 3.

Ditto to what the blogger of the last blog wrote. I'm beginning to question myself. Agh. I try to think whether I decided to do something because I genuinely wanted to do it for the other person or cause I wanted myself to feel good.

My niece got sick - probably because of me :x..sorry! So she came up asking if I had any medicine, but I only had 2 more pills momma gave me. I went out and got some NyQuil and DayQuil for her.

HAHA.

trying.

So I went to a friend's place for hotpot today. I tried to be helpful (not because I wanted to have something to write about..I actually almost forgot about being kind/blogging about it..ALMOST, haha). I did it because I felt bad that my friend's mom had to clean and set up all the food by herself =/. So I asked her if she needed help and she had me set up two sets of chopsticks in front of every seat that was around the table. She thanked me afterwards but I honestly felt like I had done nothing at all...

That's the closest I've gotten to an act of kindness since the start of the new year. Sad, I know.

I did try to give up my seat for a lady that was pushing a baby carriage on the train today but she denied my offer so that doesn't really count.

This is a lot harder than I thought it would be because this is not about just completing "a good deed" (as my other bloggers have pointed out) but it's about actually doing it out of the kindness of my heart. I'm beginning to realize that being kind from the heart is so much more different than just acting kind. Gee..what have I gotten myself into?! Hahaha, kidding. But I do hope this will help my heart to be kinder as the year goes along.

'til next time.

-frostedflakesaremyfavorite

On Becoming Loving

I have been taking the project seriously and looking forward to doing something loving everyday. On Jan. 1st I stayed at home all day and so all the loving thing I could do is revolved around my husband, so I made breakfast

and lunch for him.

Yesterday was Sunday and Sunday = kids.

We played gift exchange games and I took them out for lunch. I planned to buy lunch for all of them coz it's the NEW YEAR, but the girls insisted that they were paying on their own. They stole the bill and put in all the money! Rather I feel much loved by them. They ended up keep saying "thank you", while I was like... "what for?" They told me that they wanted to thank me for taking them out so they could have so much fun together. I love these kids and thank God for making them so beautiful and bringing them into my life!

I've been reflecting about this project that we are doing, and now feel that we cannot take it as a "task". There is not much love in "completing a task", but there is much love in "doing things for someone out of your desire". Like what's said in the lyrics we used as our theme, love should be naturally flowing out of us due to the love that's poured out unto us by God.

We are not capable of loving others if we do not have a deep and intimate connection with Jesus. He is the vine and we are the branches. Without Him, we can do nothing...

This year I decide to pick up the 90 days bible reading plan again. It's almost the hardest thing i've ever done last year, and I want to do it again.

It will be a good year!

Day 2. This is gonna be tough.

I am picky. I realize how proud and stubborn I am. Knowing that I committed to doing this is in the back of my head, but I still forget sometimes. But even when I am aware, I just think to myself "Wait, who the heck is she. She doesn't deserve to be treated with love." or "I remember what he did/said last time. Forget him." And who am I to criticize and judge these people? How lame and stupid of me.

I guess I need to take it slow. I thought I'd be able to jump into it figuring I'll bump into plenty of strangers or friends in need. Forgot about the people that push my buttons, annoy me, and stretch my patience - and these are the people I deal with on a regular basis. I tend to just avoid the person I have a hard time being around or I just ignore the person. I need help. I don't want to intentionally NOT love someone..This year will be interesting!

I helped my mom prepare lunch today at church. I've learned the joy of serving & hospitality mainly through her. This year I want to strengthen (current) relationships. I have a pretty superficial relationship with my family - we don't talk deep. It's awkward. We avoid it. My mom asked me what my goals for the new year was. I said nothing - I thought about this, but couldn't get myself to tell her. And I don't have the best relationship with my dad - we say hey and usually we're civilized, but every once in a while when I get annoyed I just grunt at him or don't even acknowledge him. I've been at that phase for the past 2 weeks or so, but today was better. I was able to talk to him and stay in the same room as him. I finally ordered 1040 so I can watch it with my parents and plan/hope to talk to them more deeply about my plans for the year then. Here's to deeper relationships!

Tomorrow's another day.

HAHA.

Day 1.

January 01, 11!

I've been waiting to use this picture for a while now, and today actually felt like a swirl. I was really hyped up last night. Having reflected on the past year and after thinking about the different things to look forward to in 2011, I got really excited. I think it's my first time being so excited for the new year. It felt like a very out-of-body experience.

Today was a fail because I was being selfish. I was all up on my high chair cause I could eat meat today so all I could think about was the steak I was gonna eat. Friends came over for dinner and my mom prepared so much for us. The entire time I just watched or did my own thing and I didn't even offer to help with the cooking. I ate happily and didn't offer to clean. Fail. After eating, we just watched tv and I fell asleep. They left around 11:30PM and then it popped in my mind that I was not all that loving today. Then I sort of went hunting for a good deed to do like I was on a deadline. :( That's not what this is about.

I'm not so sure if what happened is considered an act of love.. I was about to just forget about today and start tomorrow. I got online to check my email and a friend I've been avoiding had emailed me. I figured this was my open and I decided to message him and we talked a bit. Something's been bothering me for a while and I tend to just keep it to myself and avoid the situation/person until it smoothes over. I learned over the summer what it means to speak the truth in love. To keep someone accountable. So I decided to tell my friend what was going on and apologized for having avoiding said friend. I'm no longer bothered by my friend so no more avoiding!

Tomorrow's another day.

HAHA.